In that situation, the beloved feels compelled to act in ways that hurt the lover: behaving in a punitive manner, distancing themselves and pushing love away. Basically, love is scary when it contrasts with childhood trauma. Being loved arouses anxiety because it threatens long-standing psychological defenses formed early in life in relation to emotional pain and rejection, therefore leaving a person feeling more vulnerable.Īlthough the experience of being chosen and especially valued is exciting and can bring happiness and fulfillment, at the same time, it can be frightening and the fear often translates into anger and hostility. Even a simple compliment, although initially accepted at face value and enjoyed, can later arouse feelings of disbelief or anger toward the person giving the compliment, or can trigger negative attitudes and critical feelings towards oneself.īut why do love, positive acknowledgment and compliments arouse such animosity? There are a number of primary causes of this phenomenon discussed in this blog.ġ. Indeed, this paradoxical reaction is largely an unconscious process. Unlike these individuals, many people are unaware that being loved or especially valued makes them feel angry and withholding. In a therapy session, a usually calm and quiet man revealed that he felt fury when people praised him.She had never expressed hostility toward him before and the man involved was not pressuring her or even suggesting a course of action. A woman became outright nasty when her boyfriend told her that he loved her so much he wished that they could have children together.Even though he knew she was not being controlling or judgmental, and despite being aware that her apprehension was based on the fact that she really loved and valued him, he felt rage. One man felt a flash of anger at his wife when she said she was worried about him riding his bike in an unsafe neighborhood.
In my work with individuals and couples, I have observed countless examples of people reacting angrily when loving responses were directed toward them. Love - kindness, affection, sensitive attunement, respect, companionship - is not only difficult to find, but is even more challenging for many people to accept and tolerate.
Robert Firestone, Isolation and Loneliness, Love, Relationship Problems, Relationships, The Fantasy Bond, Toxic Relationships Communication Between Couples, Defenses, Differentiation, Fantasy Bond, Fear of Intimacy, Featured Author: Dr.